Archie Sonic Issue #2

Yeah so, I've read this issue front to back, and there is not a mention of "Robotnik's Rats" anywhere in sight. This is blatantly false advertisement, and I demand my $1.25 back, Archie.

Aside from that, this cover is... fine, I guess. Sonic running from the corner box into the wanted poster is a cute detail, and it's decently well-drawn overall, even if it has nothing to do with the stories inside.

Before I jump into this first story, some background information is in order. As I said back in my first review, the early days of Archie Sonic are an incredibly bizarre mix of elements from all the different branches of the franchise that were being produced at the same time. So far, the main result of this has been some major dissonance between the setting and tone of this universe, where we have the much more serious SatAM setup, but the much goofier writing style you would find in Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. However, this issue marks a major turning point: not only are the styles of these 2 shows clashing together, but their characters as well. Because this issue marks the Archie Sonic debut of Scratch, Grounder, and Coconuts, AKA, the S6 Squad.

Now, I need to make a confession... Sonic super fan though I might be, I have never really sat down and watched a full episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. 

I KNOW, I KNOW, just... look. If you couldn't already tell from reading any of my previous reviews (unless you're new here, in which case welcome aboard!), these early, sillier attempts at Sonic storytelling just never really do it for me. It's not that I don't enjoy comedy, it's just that this particular style doesn't really click in my brain. I've seen a lot of short clips of Adventures, so I know it's not exactly the same as what Gallagher writes here, but I don't know, aside from the Robotnik meme lines it's just not very funny to me. If you need a minute to write an angry comment denouncing my blasphemy, I fully understand and I honestly welcome the engagement.

Anyway, enough stalling. Let's see if I can actually get something out of this story...

"Triple Trouble!"... now wait just a minute here, Mike, because it seems we've returned to the false advertising already. This is not an adaptation of Sonic Triple Trouble! That game hasn't even come out yet! I SEE THROUGH THE LIES OF THE JEDI!

(Before you say anything, yes, I'm aware Gallagher didn't know about that game yet, there's literally a Triple Trouble Special later on, just let me have this joke.)

Wow, Robotnik. No wonder you haven't won yet. If you can't even aim properly at a FIXED TARGET, I'd say your chances of hitting a hedgehog faster than the speed of sound are pretty slim.

I could be nitpicky about the fact that this first page is practically identical to how the last issue started, but I've got a much more ridiculous grievance in need of addressing. In response to Crabmeat's request to let him help destroy Sonic, Robotnik replies that Crabmeat has "done nothing but fail him" up until now, citing both the miniseries and the current comic. To which I say:

Your honor, unlike Robotnik, I've been paying attention to these stories, and I can tell you that my robotic client is completely innocent of the crime of which he is accused. Let's look through the FACTS of this case before we pass harsh judgment, shall we?

FIRST: In Issue 0 of the original miniseries, Crabmeat makes a single, but noteworthy contribution. While Robotnik is ranting and raving about his need to destroy Sonic, Crabmeat is the only Badnik who actually DOES something about it, as seen here:

Not only did he successfully track down the doctor's hated nemesis, but Robotnik straight up ADMITS it was, in his own words, "good work". Robotnik fumbled this attack afterwards, but that's on him.

SECOND: In Issue 3 of the miniseries, an army of Crabmeats successfully chases Sonic towards the edge of a cliff, leaving him open for Robotnik to strike:

Once again, Robotnik fails to capitalize, but that's HIS problem. Contrary to what the doctor has said, Crabmeat has done nothing but SUCCEED, and it's actually ROBOTNIK who fumbles the ball every time. So maybe next time the doctor wishes to know who to blame, he should look in the mirror.

(Disclaimer: I haven't played any Ace Attorney games, I just thought this would be funny.)

Despite my ironclad case for Crabmeat, Robotnik is ultimately the judge, jury, and executioner of this trial, and he is quick to pass a rather cruel sentence on his underling:

I'll give Gallagher credit, the hard cut from Crabmeat's happy face to getting completely ANNIHILATED by Coconuts is so absurd that I have to admire it. The unnecessary dialogue added in takes away from it slightly, but it's still a good joke that also perfectly demonstrates what Coconut's entire deal is. Solid start.

Further cementing this story's Adventures vibes, we immediately cut over to Sonic and Tails running together through the Great Forest. Aside from a brief mention of Sally later, no other Freedom Fighters appear in this story, and so we're left with the exact structure of a typical Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog episode, with Sonic and Tails vs. Robotnik and his goofy minions. 

To be as fair as I can to Adventures, one of the things I hear discussed online all the time as one of its best elements is the dynamic between Sonic and Tails, with Sonic as the caring, heroic older brother, and Tails as the loyal kid sidekick. What little I have seen of the show definitely backs this up, even if I think the "kid" side of Tails is emphasized maybe a little too much, but it was a different time so I can cut them some slack on that. It's certainly better than the way he's been written in these last couple of issues. As a matter of fact, I have almost no complaints with how he's handled in this story; it seems that putting him in this setting stops Gallagher from falling into the trap of making the kid insufferably arrogant, as he instead just follows along and helps Sonic out for a change.

Case in point, as soon as Sonic figures out what Coconut's whole deal is, he quickly reins Tails in from charging at the monkey blindly, and instead opts for a more fun approach:

As enjoyable as seeing them bounce his coconut back and forth like this is, I unfortunately have to dock points for giving me extreme PTSD from my experience in the Hard Mode for Egg Quarters in SA2. Having to carry those bombs and throw them at JUST the right angle to get to the Emerald shards in that mission was absolutely garbage, and I say that as someone who loves that game to death. 

I swear, this really just IS an episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. The cartoony physics, the smile on Sonic's face as he casually knocks Coconuts's bomb right at him, the fact that they PACKAGE DELIVERED his remains to Robotnik... seriously, all of those jokes would be right at home there. The only thing throwing it off is the SWAT-Bot. 

Also, I don't know that I've really addressed this all that much in the past, but the constant joking about Robotnik's weight gets old REALLY fast, especially when it's done like this. This man's ego would never allow such constant fat shaming from his minions, let alone HIMSELF. 

Anyway, the next page immediately shows off Scratch and Grounder as the "Super Special Sonic Search and Smash Squad", or "S6 Squad" for short. As a kid reading these comics, it always confused me that they were introduced as a separate entity from Coconuts in this issue, when later appearances would make sure to clarify that they are all considered part of the same trio. I assumed this was an error on the writers' part, but as I understand it now, that's... actually sort of true? Like, the 3 of them are all part of the same squad together, but Coconuts is such a failure even by their standards that the other 2 practically don't acknowledge him, and Robotnik himself seems to deem him as the lesser member of the trio. Given how insanely incompetent we're about to see Scratch and Grounder be, that really says something about how much of a loser Coconuts apparently is.

As if immediately trying to prove my point, these 2 goobers manage to make 2 blunders in the span of a single page, which is truly impressive. That said, I enjoy this far more than the screwups I've been giving Robotnik a hard time for, because these guys are SUPPOSED to be idiots. Plus, that visual of Robotnik strangling Scratch across the comic panels is just gold. That's way better than most of the other 4th wall breaking gags Gallagher typically does...

...And speak of the devil, as Sonic and Tails arrive on the scene once again, we have what has to go down in history as one of the strangest gags Gallagher ever wrote. Sonic sends Tails away, and when he asks why, we're supposed to... choose Sonic's response? Why? Despite going over these old issues countless times, I have never understood this panel. What's the JOKE here!?

That said, I'm going with the second option. It's definitely the logic 2010s Sega would have given, since they spent that whole era reducing literally everyone not named Sonic to passive observers for no reason whatsoever.

With Tails officially gone from the story, the rest of it goes about the way you'd expect, to the point where there's shockingly little for me to comment on. Sonic's false trail leads Scratch and Grounder to a cliff, he knocks them off, they briefly snag him and get the upper hand, then they bicker and he trashes them. That's literally all that happens, save for this last gag:

"Smooth operator"? "Hang up"? GET IT!? Hardy har har.

So that story was... alright. In contrast to last issue, I actually think having a shorter page length was to this story's benefit, as there's really only so much you can do with this formula before I start to tune it out. That's a big part of why I could never get into the show, so kudos to Gallagher for knowing when to wrap it up right as I was getting bored. Plus, he actually had a couple decent zingers towards the beginning, and Tails had a much better appearance this time around before he was suddenly pushed away at the end. 

We're not out of the woods yet, though, and this next story is... well, it's certainly something. So let's quickly speed through our second and final story:

"Vertigo A Go-Go!"... I don't even know how to respond to a title like that, I'll be honest.

So this issue starts with Sonic collecting a bunch of Power Rings, or as they're called more often in Archie, "Magic Rings", when suddenly he's shot up with a spring into a weird pocket dimension.

And here we have another one of Gallagher's 4th wall breaks that never made any sense to me. Is Sonic asking the reader to flip the comic around? That doesn't really work, because the panel where it flips around is on the same page. If he's instead asking the artist too, that makes even less sense, because Sonic almost never addresses the Archie staff directly like that.

But don't worry, just when you thought that was confusing, it's time to meet perhaps 2 of the most random characters in the entire comic. Say hello... to Al and Cal.

On the one hand, I want to give Gallagher credit for making an effort to establish new characters specific to the Archie continuity in order to give it distinct identity. On the other hand... his first attempt is Al and Cal for Pete's sake.

Seriously, I've tried to look into where he could have possibly gotten the inspiration for these guys, and the best I could find was speculation that they're inspired by Mxyzptlk, the reality-warping imp from Superman. I can definitely see that in the design, and the fact that this dimension they live in is totally disorienting, but like... they're not really out to get Sonic, or to mess around with him in any way. In fact, they don't even really seem to be all that in control of this place; as far as I can tell, this dimension just keeps warping at random, and they're just used to it while Sonic isn't. 

These 2 have gone down as perhaps some of the most obscure and hated characters in the entire Archie Sonic lineup, which... yeah, to be fair, they don't really have a strong showing here. They just kind of... exist. And their next couple of appearances (yes, these guys DO show up again) won't exactly do them favors. But I once again have to give credit to Ian Flynn, because WAY later in this book's run, he'll make use of these 2 complete nothingburgers and actually make them somewhat likeable and interesting for a single story arc before this continuity comes crashing down. 

Speaking of nothingburgers though, that's pretty much what this story is. It's literally just a few of pages of Sonic getting jerked around aimlessly through this place while these 2 make painfully unfunny remarks, and the background visuals get extremely lazy as the story progresses. I actually think Dave Manak did a decent job on the first story, so it's disappointing seeing him backslide here. It's a textbook example of why his artwork is hated by a lot of people.

Much like the last story, I don't have anything else to really say. Sonic gets flung around a bit, then he drops down, Antoine asks "what's up?" with incredibly unfortunate timing, and Sonic chases him off while Al and Cal ask the readers if they want to see more of them.

And that's Issue 2. Yup, that certainly was a comic I just read, that's for sure.

OK but seriously, these early issues are killing me, man. They aren't the worst thing in the world, but there's so little for me to even say about them, to the point where I'm practically BEGGING for Ken Penders to show up already. As much as I hate a solid chunk of his stories, there's at least something of substance to discuss with most of them, even if it's REALLY bad. These issues are just a big pile of nothing until then.

Well, that's not entirely true. The next issue actually does bring some new stuff to the table, as we're about to witness the debut a character that, being completely honest, should have been here from the beginning. Still, better late than never, I guess. Join me next time as we finally round out our Freedom Fighter crew and say hello to Bunnie Rabbot.