Archie Sonic Issue #9

 

Oh hey, this cover is actually kind of fun! It's a neat homage to the iconic "Flash of Two Worlds" storyline, one of the most impactful events in the history of DC Comics:

I'm not an expert on comic history, but from what I understand, this was the story that effectively codified both the DC Multiverse as a concept and major comic book crossover events as a whole. So, if you really love things like the DCAU or the MCU, this is the comic you have to thank for their existence. Really cool reference... although it does come at the cost of reducing Sally to a damsel in distress once again. Dang it, there's always some kind of catch with these.

Speaking of lore drops though, that brings us to the actual subject of this cover, as well as the first story we're about to look at today: Pseudo-Sonic. For those of you who may not know, this is a character who originated from a one-off episode of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, which had fully run its course by the time this issue dropped. The idea behind it (at least from what I've read online; as I said a while back, I never watched this show) was essentially Robotnik attempting to create an exact duplicate of Sonic in order to discredit him in the public eye and then capture him.

Funnily enough, this was actually just after Sonic CD had dropped and introduced the far more iconic Metal Sonic, who didn't make a proper animated debut until Sonic Boom (which ironically shares its title with the American theme song for CD), and won't be showing up in THIS book until Issue 25 when Gallagher decides to go back and loosely adapt CD to celebrate Archie Sonic's first major milestone. So, Metal Sonic predates Pseudo-Sonic in the franchise as a whole and is far more iconic, yet Pseudo-Sonic predates him in both animation and comic history. You got all that?

Nah, I get it. This franchise's lore is really confusing sometimes. 

All you really need to know is this is Archie Sonic's introduction to the concept of robotic versions of Sonic, and there will be PLENTY more where that came from as the series goes on. Let's see how they handled it their first go around as we dive into:

"Pseudo-Sonic!"

Alright, now I'm instantly regretting making that Colors jab last time, because our old pal Mike Gallagher is apparently a prophet and predicted that EXACT cutscene decades in advance with Robotnik's dialogue here. Oh well, guess this entire blog is a bust and I need to start the whole thing over from scratch. I'll be sure to completely upend the entire approach to how I do this from now on in the hopes that I never make a single other mistake like that ever again, which is sure to be a very realistic and sustainable goal. Sorry for the inconvenience, everyone.

                                                                    Unrelated image  

Just kidding, of course. But on the subject of Gallagher being a prophet, can we talk about the fact that Eggman is going to use this same "I've fully studied you, Sonic!" language way later on in Issue 175, but actually manage to back it up and beat him to a pulp? Pretty crazy how much harder the same type of dialogue can drop when you put it in a much more serious context. Anyway, let's continue:

OK, 2 surprisingly solid bits here:

1. I love the visual gag of the sign off to the side saying, "Please Litter". A simple, yet effective example of Robotnik's petty disregard for the environment.

2. As much as I typically rag on Gallagher for overly explaining things, seeing the little arrow with "Dime" written on it was just the right amount of dumb for me to laugh at. It's not much, but I'll take what I can get with these stories.

We then cut over to Sonic climbing out of Knothole's secret entrance, smugly slamming it directly into the back of Antoine's head like a true hero. Yet again, I must ask: what did Antoine EVER do to earn himself this much constant bullying? Granted, he does act a little pompous here, saying he's on "guard duty" and demanding Sonic tell him exactly where he's going like it's any of his personal business. Plus, now that I think about it, putting a guard in front of a secret entrance is kind of a dead giveaway, so... OK never mind, I guess he did kind of deserve it this time.

As it turns out, Sonic is heading outside to pick some flowers for Sally, which I can't help but find a bit odd considering how their relationship is typically framed in these early issues. It hasn't really been brought up all that much, and even when it IS, it's usually in this goofy, "wow they're really bad at communicating their feelings" type of way. Honestly, considering how painful this constant back-and forth will be in future stories, I kind of wish that Sonic's love declaration here went off without a hitch, because it would have saved them and the audience all kinds of headaches.

But no, instead, this whole incident exists to give Gallagher a convenient excuse to remove Sonic from the equation so that Pseudo Sonic can get into Knothole without any problems, because otherwise this story would have ended like 4-5 pages in. And then for good measure, he also decided to throw in possibly his single most bizarre one-off character to date, "Betty Butterfly", who never shows up after this story outside of flashbacks to it, before finally topping it all off with the most cursed image of Sonic we've seen so far in this comic. Lovely. 

Also not to get too sidetracked, but as 1 of the maybe 5 hardcore Secret Rings defenders left on this planet, I couldn't help but have this exchange looping in my mind throughout this entire scene:

                                    "So, you like going to pick some flowers?"

                                    "This is no time for goofing around!"

If you continue to follow me on this journey, be warned that I WILL find a way to sneak Secret Rings into every possible discussion that I can. I have a crippling addiction to this game that has only gotten worse the more I see people online spitefully harass it for "unplayable" motion controls that I mastered by the time I was a pre-teen. It is genuinely one of my favorite games ever, and I will defend its honor at every available opportunity with absolutely no shame. 

Anyway, Pseudo Sonic follows Antoine into Knothole and prepares to report to Robotnik, who for some reason is able to communicate with him directly through a monitor despite no visible camera set anywhere. I WOULD say that I enjoy the 4th wall break here with Antoine pointing the blame at the artist, but I unfortunately have to revoke the compliment thanks to the editor breaking the number #1 rule of good comedy:

Weird plot contrivances and awkward comedy aside, this is a pretty big deal. A robot with speed directly rivaling Sonic has found his way into Knothole without the hedgehog anywhere in sight to rescue them, and he's about to relay the village's exact location to Robotnik! The stakes couldn't be higher! Man, it's going to be really tough to get out of THIS situation-

...He's weak to static electricity. Robotnik's perfectly crafted robot copy of Sonic, meant to match and potentially surpass his incredible power and speed... and he dies immediately because of static electricity. I guess it's neat to let Tails save the day and all, but like... Ivo. My dude. You have GOT to start testing these things out better before I have a full-on meltdown here. This is just getting sad.

OK to be fair, Robotnik does at least try to track the general area of Pseudo Sonic's last transmission here, which is actually a pretty reasonable move given that he doesn't know the robot's already been disposed of, and he could narrow his search for the location somewhat if nothing else. However, seeing his nemesis completely helpless, he naturally decides to abandon the increasingly fruitless search and seize the far better opportunity that's just been handed to him. Unfortunately for him, that random "Betty Butterfly" from earlier tells the Freedom Fighters exactly what's up, which leads to easily the best scene in this entire story:

Yeah, Gallagher is exposition dumping about Bunnie's power like nobody's business, but watching her just absolutely CURB STOMP this man all the way back to Robotropolis is so awesome that I don't even care. Plus, Robotnik wasn't actually present for her debut, so you could argue this is her first real chance at direct payback for her roboticization, and she wants to make sure he understands EXACTLY what kind of monster he just created by doing that. Either way, it's really good stuff and a wonderful treat after all that other nonsense.

Bunnie then gives Sonic a remedy for his allergies, Rotor tosses the remains of Pseudo Sonic in the trash, and that's a wrap on our first story this issue. Despite Pseudo Sonic's desperate pleas to the audience for a sequel, that request is going to be put on hold for a LONG time, to the point that when he finally does show up, it's going to feel like really bizarre filler in the middle of Ian Flynn's absolutely spectacular initial run on the comic. 

With all of that said and done, how did we do? Did I enjoy this debut for our very first robot Sonic?

Yeah, unfortunately, while I do think Gallagher's humor was slightly better this time around, and I did get some enjoyment from seeing Tails get some action and Bunnie's absolutely glorious display right at the finish line, I can't help but feel a bit underwhelmed by this story at the end of the day. I'm still not over the ridiculous hoops we had to jump through to remove Sonic from the equation here, and Pseudo Sonic was dispatched so easily that Robotnik should be eternally embarrassed. Like a lot of this era, it's not the worst thing I've ever read, but I wouldn't exactly say it's "good" either.

And now it's time to switch gears over to something completely different, as our friend Angelo DeCesare returns from his single-issue hiatus with:

"What's the Point?"

Well, I SAID it's completely different, and yet here we are with 2 stories in a row of Sonic picking flowers for Sally, although Angelo did at least provide an explanation that it's for her birthday, so Sonic doing this is less of a dead giveaway for his feelings. Also, Sonic... don't you mean... Forget-Me-KNOTS?

If you didn't get that joke, just wait 192 main series issues from now, and then come back here and be amazed at my comedic brilliance.

Anyway, as Sonic is moping about not having a present for Sally, the universe decides to do him a solid this time around and drop one right on top of him in the form of a "Mobian needlebird" (half-bird, half-porcupine, don't ask how that works). In a nice little moment of affection, he notices that it's injured and unable to fly and immediately runs off to feed it with some berries and gives him the ingeniously creative name of "Thorny". I could tease Sonic (and by extension, Angelo) for this all day long, but if I did, I'd be the biggest hypocrite on the planet because most of the nicknames I've given to my Pokémon in Nuzlockes over the years are on about the same level of cringe, so I'll just give him a pass and move on.

On the subject of pets, I would like you all to meet Lewis.

He is my son and I love him.

Sonic is sure that this little bird will be more than enough to make Sally happy, but unfortunately for him, Sally decides to be even crabbier about this than her usual Gag Era self, which is REALLY saying something:

To her credit, I have to admit that calling Thorny a "flying cactus plant" was an absolutely devastating burn that caught me completely off-guard and gave me a pretty decent laugh. Plus, these other incidents she recounts of pet animals gone wrong are so over-the-top absurd that it's hard not to understand where she's coming from at least a little bit even as the sheer ridiculousness of it breaks me even more. But she loses me on the next page when her anger boils over after Thorny starts eating her cake and screams her head off at Sonic to get rid of him immediately. I admit that watching an animal steal your food is frustrating, but sentencing it to exile and potential death feels a little excessive, and I say that after being forced to take care of my mom's dog for the last 2 months despite having never gotten along with a dog in my life. It just gives Sally a bad look, which isn't helped by her then going out to pick more berries for a new cake and immediately ending up in Robotnik's clutches once again... leading to perhaps the single most infamous scene in Gag Era Archie Sonic.

Yes, I promise, you are looking at this correctly. Sonic does, in fact, put a pause on the entire story, look the reader directly in the eyes, and spout off every single tree pun known to mankind in the span of a single panel. If you feel your brain slowly begin to malfunction over the course of this page, that is a perfectly normal reaction, and I applaud your mental fortitude for enduring it with me.

Out of every single joke in the Gag Era, this is probably the one that leaves me the most conflicted every time I read it. I genuinely can't decide whether it's simply unbearable or so insanely stupid that it wraps around to being secretly genius. Either way, it's exactly the kind of bizarre fever dream that only Archie Sonic can provide.

Unfortunately, there's not really much to talk about after that gag. The rest of the story lasts for a grand total of 3 pages, and it goes exactly the way you'd expect. Thorny miraculously learns how to fly again, he and Sonic rescue Sally, then Robotnik turns the tables on Sonic and Thorny saves him AND Sally. Then they welcome him to the Freedom Fighters even though he never shows up again, yadda yadda, roll credits.

And that's Issue 9, definitely one of the Archie Sonic issues of all time. The first story was a little all over the place, with a decent premise that went completely to waste, but stuck a somewhat shaky landing thanks to a couple decent jokes and Bunnie continuing to steal every fight she appears in. The second story was insanely generic and boring, save for a single random gag that later spawned an internet meme that has nothing to do with the original source material whatsoever. Neither of them is offensive, neither of them is great, and I'm just waiting for the echidna man to finally show up so this can get interesting.

Join me next time as we celebrate 10 issues of Archie Sonic with the debut of one of the comic's all-time greatest artists... plus a guest appearance by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I guess.