Archie Sonic Issue #6

 

Guys, I'm not gonna lie. This is the first issue that I've been actively DREADING getting to since I embarked on this ridiculous quest of mine. I've made no secret of the fact that the early Gag Era of Archie Sonic has hardly ever clicked with me, but generally, I don't find myself hating it all that much. Sure, there's not a lot of substance, the absurd overuse of exposition always felt like it was talking down to me when I read through it as a kid, and 9 out of every 10 jokes fall flat... but it also set the foundation for the rest of this comic that I hold near and dear to my heart, so I can't really bring myself to HATE it. I guess if I had to describe my general feelings on this era as a whole, I'd say I'm more... indifferent to it than anything else.

But not this issue, though. This issue is a different beast entirely. 

Now, despite how I prefaced this last time, it's NOT because of my eternal, undying hatred for Sonic Spinball, though that certainly doesn't help matters and I'll still have plenty to rage about on that front. No, there's something else lurking in the back of this particular comic; a story so cringeworthy that it's one of the few early Archie Sonic stories I would actively skip on my many Sonic Archives rereads as a kid. Buckle up, this is going to be a long and rough ride.

Oh right, I guess I should say something about the cover. Uh, points for a decent drawing and solid marketing, I guess? But then, there's that awful "tie-in" pun... and the thing you're advertising is Spinball, so...

Ignoring the pun, let's actually talk about these video game tie-ins for a second. Over the course of its long run, Archie Sonic would do these from time to time whenever there was a big new game coming out that needed promoting, but the way they went about it varied greatly from story to story, writer to writer, and so on. Generally speaking, though, they fell broadly into 1 of 2 major categories:

1. A full main story/entire issue of the comic dedicated to roughly adapting the general ideas of the game and its plot within the scope of the established Archie Sonic world. 

Patrick Spaziante, you absolute king

2. A quick little 5-page story in the back of the book completely separate from the Archie Sonic world, effectively amounting to little more than a glorified ad.

This is literally just Black Knight's opening cutscene shot for shot

On what planet does this count as a writing credit for Ian Flynn

There are a few instances where it is slightly more complicated than this, most infamously with the multi-issue nightmare that is Archie's rendition of Sonic Adventure (which is a whole other can of worms that I can't WAIT to pick apart down the road), but for the most part, that's how things went. Archie would set aside a quick issue to promote whatever Sega asked and then go right back to doing their own thing while Sega rolled in the dough. 

Now, while I DO very much enjoy this fast and loose system overall, and I desperately wish we had something like it back instead of desperately trying to cram every branch of the franchise into a single universe without any sense of cohesion (I DARE you to look me in the eye and tell me with a straight face that IDW, Prime, and Black Knight are all the same Sonic), one of the unfortunate side effects that results from this is that Archie was often left grasping at straws for a lot of these adaptations due to Sega not properly communicating with them to let them know what they had to work with. In fact, this remains such a persistent problem that it actually leads into the exact scenario in which Ian Flynn becomes head writer, as one instance too many of this is supposedly what convinced Ken Penders that maintaining creative control within the comic wasn't worth the hassle of dealing with Sega anymore (although the only source we have for that particular story is Penders himself, who is a... less-than-reliable narrator, to put it charitably, so take that with a grain of salt).

With that said, this particular tie-in story doesn't really have most of those problems to worry about. For one, Spinball isn't exactly known for its story complexity or breadth of content, so there's not really a whole lot for the Archie team to have to sift through here; it's actually more shocking to me that they got ANYTHING out of this game's "plot". Plus, we're jumping back to Mike Gallagher as the writer this go around, and like I said back in Issue 4, Gallagher did his due diligence to have at least a passing familiarity with the games in this era, so we're not totally lost in the woods here.

So yeah, on paper, this shouldn't be too bad... but like... OK there's no natural segue into this, I just need to get it off my chest:

Sonic Spinball is the most sadistic, evil, terrible game I have ever played in my entire life. I cannot think of a SINGLE other game that I have played that consistently left me feeling like less of a human being after each session the way this insane asylum masquerading as entertainment did. Even when I finally built up the strength and the courage to beat it as an adult, the joy was not in the victory, but in the knowledge that I could now rest and would never have to subject myself to it as long as I continued to walk on this mortal plane. If you're ever thinking about playing it, I implore you, don't. Maintain your blissful ignorance of this cursed horror and turn back at all costs. The satisfaction of your curiosity is not worth the great cost it will inflict on your sanity.

HOWEVER: it is also, to this day, the only Sonic game in existence to ever prominently feature the Freedom Fighters in any capacity, so... OK FINE, that was admittedly a pretty based decision. And I suppose one could argue, given that distinction, it's actually rather appropriate for this to be the first game with an Archie adaptation to its name. Fair enough... but it's still the worst.

Alright, LONG introduction over, let's finally dive into:

"The Spin Doctor!"

Oh hey, they finally remembered Bunnie exists! I mean, it's not going to matter by literally the next page, but still, we take those.

Yeah, unfortunately, right as it seems like we're finally going to get to see the whole Freedom Fighter squad in action together as they charge at Robotnik's factory, the doctor has already closed up shop and moved over to his "Veg-O-Fortress" (yes, that IS its actual name, so props to Mike for getting that one right), so Sonic immediately runs off and leaves everyone in the dust. I suppose given the circumstances, this was kind of inevitable, but it's still pretty disappointing to see the others get sidelined so hard right after last issue was starting to give them actual plot relevance. Oh well.

OK, I guess that's a decent if slightly goofy rendition of the fortress's exterior, Dave. But uh... since when was there lava surrounding it? It was on an island, wasn't it?

Yeah, it totally was! In fact, Sonic had to ride on the Tornado with Tails to get here... hey wait, that could have been the Tornado's comic debut! We've been ROBBED!

I know this all seems incredibly nitpicky, but trust me, it isn't. There's literally a stage in Spinball named "Lava Powerhouse" which is REFERENCED IN THIS STORY, so by throwing the lava out here early, they've effectively handicapped what they can actually show off later by rendering an entire stage's gimmick redundant. 

Speaking of which, as we enter into the first stage, Toxic Caves, I will go ahead and confess that despite my many, MANY grievances with this... this evil... THING... I can't lie, the Toxic Caves music is an absolute bop.

Yeah, it starts to wear thin after the first hour or so of hopelessly bouncing around this broken mess claiming itself to be actual level design, but there you go, I gave the game an actual compliment. Let's see how the comic handled it:

...What. 

He... he gets grabbed by Rexxon and is brought STRAIGHT to Scorpius? No minecarts? No breaking through barrels? No zooming into the toxic sludge at 100 miles an hour before you can even process what's on the screen and dying, leading to you throwing your controller on the floor in a blind rage!? I know I should be praising the team for getting the names and designs of these enemies spot on, but I'm sorry, this is infuriating. I can't think rationally about this while I'm watching this comic be so nonchalant about a stage that I still have war flashbacks from every time I think about what it put me through! I want to see PAIN! I want Sonic to feel the same misery that I felt navigating through this death trap!

But nope. Instead, Sonic's just thrown straight to the boss fight, one rapid fire Spin-Dash incapacitates both robots, and he moves on to Lava Powerhouse in record time. (To be fair, that IS pretty much how the Scorpius fight usually goes, so I'll give them a pass on that one.)

It's here that we're introduced to Hip and Hop, another incredibly bizarre duo courtesy of Mike Gallagher. However, unlike Al and Cal, these guys actually DON'T originate from him, as they are instead background characters briefly seen in the actual Lava Powerhouse in Spinball, who help you reach higher areas:

As much as I want to groan at the fact that Gallagher couldn't think of any other name for a pair of kangaroos than "Hip and Hop", I actually do have to give him credit, because this will NOT be the last time we see these 2. Much later down the road in Issue 40, they will actually reappear as judges in a LITERAL "kangaroo court" (which is admittedly one of Gallagher's more clever visual gags), and this role will actually give them some genuine staying power in this comic. You could almost view it as a prototype of what Ian Flynn would later do with the Hooligans, taking otherwise forgotten characters from these spinoff games and actually making them DO something. Sure, it's not much, but the fact that he got anything out of these random goobers in the worst Sonic game of all time is worth celebrating in its own way.

That being said, when it comes to Lava Powerhouse itself, this is where my earlier comment about using lava at the beginning of the fortress rears its ugly head, because literally all it ends up amounting to here is a quick mine cart ride and 4 easily disposed robots. No lava pits, no endless barrage of Cluck robots to bounce off of, and the worst part, NO BOSS ROOM!

I know I'm starting to act like a broken record at this point, but this is just ridiculous. That boss fight with those creepy, uncanny flaming Eggman heads, where one wrong move sends you careening down into an inescapable fire pit, was the actual bane of my existence for YEARS, and the fact that Sonic gets to skip right on past it in this comic is downright criminal. 

Anyway, the next segment is... weird. We head straight to the third stage, "The Machine"... and we're surrounded by giant plants trying to eat Sonic? Huh? My only guess is that Gallagher was trying to recreate THESE guys, but not only are they not plants, they were in Toxic Caves:

So, we've got the wrong enemies and the wrong stage. Whoops.

I WOULD complain about the fact that Sonic gets to jump straight to the end once again, but right as he's about to head to the final stage, "Showdown", Robotnik manages to pull a fast one on him:

What's this? An obnoxious obstacle, positioned in the most garbage way imaginable, that instantly launches you to your doom before you can even process how immensely unfair and cheap that was?

THERE it is! THAT'S the Spinball way! FEEL MY PAIN, SONIC!

And just like that, the Spinball adaptation is over. Despite the teaser Sonic gives here at the end, we never come back to this fortress again, with Robotnik quickly jumping back over to Robotropolis as if this story never happened despite our kangaroo court providing evidence to the contrary. I suppose we can assume that Sonic launched another attack and destroyed this place off-screen. However, given that we're still in the Gag Era, I choose to believe that Robotnik looked through the 4th wall, realized that his scheme led to the existence of Sonic Spinball, and promptly self-destructed the fortress in a feeble attempt at atonement for creating an evil far too great for even himself to bear.

Putting aside my immense emotional baggage with the source material, what did I actually think of this story? Well... I certainly don't hate it as much as the game it's representing, but that's such a low bar to clear it barely gets off the ground. As a story, it feels incredibly rushed and half-baked, from the disposal of the Freedom Fighters all the way to the incomplete ending that never got a proper resolution. As an adaptation, it starts off decent with Toxic Caves and gets some character out of 2 background extras, but it quickly dissolves and barely shows any of the actual game mechanics in any meaningful capacity. It's not the worst story I've covered here, but it could make a case for being the most forgettable once you strip it from its context.

The same unfortunately cannot be said for this next story, however. Try as I might, I will NEVER forget the absolute cringe fest we're about to embark on. Brace yourselves, because that Spinball mess was just the tip of the iceberg.  

*sigh*... Where do I even begin with this one?

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. This is indeed an Archie Sonic retelling of the classic Charles Dickens novel, A Christmas Carol... which, on the surface, isn't TOO outlandish of a concept. As Sonic correctly points out here on this first page, there are quite literally thousands of different takes on this story, to the point where it might genuinely be the most adapted story in modern history. Given that fact, it isn't completely out of left field for the Sonic franchise to have attempted their own take on it at some point... but then you actually read this thing, and the absurdity of it all just completely melts your brain.

Now, I want to be upfront about something: I have never actually sat down and read the original novel. I keep meaning to, but I've just never gotten around to it. However, my older brother made it a yearly ritual every Christmas season to read through the whole book at least once, to the point where I swear he could recite everything down to the smallest detail if you asked. Over the years, we've watched our fair share of Christmas Carol adaptations, and with each and every one he would go point by point telling you what this particular adaptation got right, what it tweaked slightly for cinematic purposes, and what it got completely, factually wrong for practically no reason whatsoever. So yeah, despite not ever reading the original book, years of listening to his ramblings about this story have given me a pretty solid grasp of what I should expect going into one of these. 

This adaptation in particular always stuck out to me as one of the GOATs. Some of the liberties it takes REALLY set my brother off at times, but it gets a lot of the main beats down and the animation is STUNNING for the time it came out.

With my Dickens credentials now (debatably) established... I think I can reasonably say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this story we're about to look through together is the single most inaccurate, cringeworthy recreation of A Christmas Carol I have ever had the misfortune to sift through. Definitely one of Gallagher's worst-

Wait, ANGELO wrote this!?

I'm not doing a bit here, I swear. Like I said at the beginning, I skipped over this story more times than I can count, and so I never really paid any attention to the credits. I guess since most of my other least favorites from this era were by Gallagher, I just naturally assumed this was one of his too. Seeing Angelo's name attached to this travesty was such a genuine shock to the system and now I'm even MORE upset about this thing's existence. 

OK, enough stalling, let's just get this over with.

We open with Robotnik in the role of the greedy old miser Ebenezer Scrooge, and Rotor Walrus in the role of Bob Cratchit, Scrooge's mistreated and underpaid employee... and already I've got problems with the way they're framing this. Rather than just using the Sonic casts' likeness and attaching them to Christmas Carol roles suiting their personalities (e.g., The Muppet Christmas Carol), we've got this weird mixture of the 2 to create this sort of twisted in-between space that just looks and feels WRONG from every angle.

First, there's the names. I suppose I can forgive "Rotor Cratchit", as weird as it is. But then...we're calling Robotnik "Scrooge"... which is a LAST NAME... while also still calling him Robotnik? Huh!?

Second, while we stay true to the original depiction of Scrooge and Bob Cratchit's relationship of cruel overseer and penniless worker... we ALSO mix in the established world of Archie Sonic, where Robotnik rules most of the world and wants to roboticize the whole planet. Putting aside the glaringly obvious question of why Rotor would ever be working for this lunatic in ANY capacity, this also throws a pretty large wrench into the entire character of Scrooge that Robotnik is supposed to be representing.

While Scrooge in the original narrative is definitely cruel, he's also not meant to be completely, hopelessly irredeemable. As mean spirited as he is to Bob, he doesn't take sadistic GLEE in it; he's just a bitter old man who's lost his way. Plus, while Bob has to beg and plead for it, he DOES at the very least allow him his day off for Christmas on the condition of coming in early the next day. A bit harsh, sure, but he still relented that tiny bit, and that tiny bit is the shred of decency still left in him that allows for his potential to be redeemed that the entire story hinges on.

In THIS story, "Scrooge Robotnik" is an unhinged dictator trying to enslave the entire world, LAUGHS at his employee's request, and grants it on conditions so needlessly cruel that they fully negate whatever tiny hint of kindness it would have otherwise been. So right from the outset, he's a heartless scumbag, and the idea that he could ever repent is so unfathomable that I don't know why the Christmas spirits don't just cancel the visit already. This clearly isn't worth the effort, guys.

But whatever. It's clearly just a goofy parody, not a truly faithful adaptation, so maybe all this hyper analysis is completely pointless on my end. So how are we doing in the joke department then?

Robotnik says the iconic Scrooge catchphrase "Bah, Humbug" but now it's "Bah, HumBot!" OH, I GET IT! LIKE ROBOT! BECAUSE HE'S ROBOTNIK! THAT'S SO FUNNY- kill me.

So Robotnik goes home to watch footage of burning garbage (an admittedly apt metaphor for what this issue has been putting me through so far), until he's interrupted by the familiar face of his old business partner, Jacob... Snarley?

...Snarley. As in, Snively. As in, Snively Robotnik, Robotnik's nephew and right-hand man from Sonic SatAM, making his Archie Sonic debut. As a parody of Jacob Marley from A Christmas Carol, trapped in a TV screen watching infomercials for all eternity. I... I don't... I...

... No wait, I can remedy this! This isn't a completely embarrassing debut for one of my favorite Sonic villains of all time! This is the debut of Jacob Snarley, a completely separate one-off character from a non-canon story! You thought you could break my brain with that one, but I got you on the technicality, Sonic's Christmas Carol! Ah-HA!

Anyway, like in the original tale, Jacob is here to warn Scrooge of the 3 spirits of Christmas who are about to visit to make him change his ways as well as demonstrate his punishment should he fail to heed their warning. Before Robotnik can even process this, he's visited by the first spirit, the Ghost of Christmas Past, played by none other than Sonic himself. Personally, I would have gone with Tails, as I feel like his youthful optimism fits that ghost better, but I can work with this-

Aaaaand he just called himself the Ghost of Christmas "Fast".  Because Sonic is fast, see? DO YOU GET IT!?

Guys I'm so tired. 

OK, so... this is... interesting. Christmas Past takes Robotnik to his childhood, which in the original Christmas Carol, is sort of meant to be a sad remembrance of Scrooge's poor upbringing and the charming youth that he once was to sort of explain the tragic circumstances that led him to his greedful, uncaring nature in the present day. HERE, though... it just sort of... reinforces the fact that Robotnik has ALWAYS been not right in the head? What is he supposed to take away from this to become a better person!? WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT!?

Also, why are we bringing back the terrible "Sonic and Robotnik as kids" story from the original miniseries? Come to think of it, Angelo didn't even WRITE that one... which kind of defeats my iron clad case on who wrote that termite story in the last issue... oh whatever, what's done is done, and I just need to get through this story before I explode.

After a brief page of Sonic "spoiling Robotnik's fun", we're suddenly transported forward in time, with Robotnik now being visited by the Ghost of Christmas Present... 

...Who is ALSO played by Sonic and is designed as a literal Christmas present. I don't want to pause on every last detail like this, but after the sheer amount of lectures I've heard from my brother over the years about each of these spirits' designs, I can't just let that one slide. This is just next level laziness.

Speaking of lazy, can we talk about the fact that literally NO ONE in Rotor Cratchit's family is given a clear identity? Where's his wife? Where's Tiny Tim, the poor kid whose life literally depends on Scrooge changing his ways? If you're going to spoof this story, at least get the basic plot points and characters down!

Also, if we're sticking with the whole Freedom Fighters shtick, I must once again ask, why is Rotor working for Robotnik in this universe!? Shouldn't he have been captured and roboticized YEARS ago if Robotnik has known about his rebellion for this long!? WHAT IS EVEN- OK I need to calm down. Give me a minute.

Robotnik is transported to his final visit from the Ghost of Christmas Future, again played by Sonic, this time in a yellow cloak. Not a black cloak to symbolize the ominous and ever-changing nature of the future, just a regular old yellow cloak. I could complain on and on about how this design and the fact that Future speaking directly instead of his terrifying, silent gestures defeats the whole "scare Scrooge straight" thing here, but any semblance of capturing the themes of the original tale went out EONS ago and I just want to be done already.

In a bit of a twist, the older Robotnik is actually on the verge of WINNING, as Sonic and the others are now too tired and worn down to oppose him, which makes our main Robotnik incredibly thrilled and want to double down on his evil even more. Once again, I have to question what logic these spirits are running with to make their case against him here... but then, thankfully, we get the first half-decent joke in this entire mess:

Yes, the bomb sent by Robotnik in the present, which Sonic sent back to him, shows up JUST in the nick of time in the future to blow future Robotnik up. Why it took years to get here, I don't know and I don't care. It's an OK punchline, and MAYBE seeing this will make Robotnik start to question-

NOPE. It was all just a dream. This story didn't even have the common decency to provide us with a real ending, and now everything I just endured for this review was completely pointless. Yay...

I mean, what is there to even say after all that? This issue was BAD. The first story was a half-baked adaptation of one of the greatest atrocities ever committed by game development, and the second story was an even LESSER adaptation of an all-time classic story that captured literally NONE of its source material's powerful messaging or overall appeal. This is unquestionably the worst issue I've covered so far, and I'm just glad that I've read through the rest of this era enough times to know it's going to be a LONG time before we reach anything as bad as this one again. 

Also, the fact that this Christmas special released in October is blasphemy against Spooky Season and a complete violation of basic holiday scheduling etiquette. Shame on you, Archie Sonic.

Join me next time when Sally becomes a witch or whatever. I need a break after that mess.